Apologies first of all for the brevity of last week's report - it was simply a case of spitting the dummy out being totally gutted at having lost a match we could have won. Anyway, that's in the past and our victory on Wednesday over the other finalist - Pickie -  by a 6-1 margin should restore our belief in ourselves. We are not a great team but we are a good team and hopefully we will bring home some silverware next year.

Perhaps what is needed is a greater desire to win. George Orwell once said that the reason the Brits are crap at sport ( actaually he said "no good" ) is that the objective is not to win but to have a jolly good handshake at the end of the game - you only have to look at Tim Henneman. In what other game do you shake hands twice  at the start and again at the end - and  playing lead as I do, I have to press the flesh more times than I need to  with  pimply faced pubescent youths whose hands are covered in sticky Grippo and dear Jesus knows what else. And as for wishing opponents a "pleasant game" and hugging Mossley players last week - yes you Sean Grant...do not start me!! Bowls is not a pleasant stroll on the green of a Wednesday evening with a cup of tea and cucumber sarnies at the end. It is a competitive sport for chrissake - but I rant yet again. Simply - for next year lads , a bit more of the wild bunch rather than the mild bunch.

Having got that of my chest, it was a pleasure to play for, and with, a great bunch of lads and less our exploits go unmentioned by the luminaries and jocks of the club I propose our own awards...

Most avid supporter of this column - Jim McCormack who got up at 5.30am last Thursday to read it!

Saddest B'stard - Jim McCormack

Noisiest Skip - Greyhound Joe

Best Prepared Bowler - Tom "Three Bags" McMahon

Biggest Ego - Liam Laughran

Shiniest Shoes - Martin Short

Best Back to Back Bowls in one end - "Morton" McCloskey

Longest distance travelled between Falls and Magheradroll Bowling Club - "Sat Nav" Walshe

Punctuality - jointly won by Gary Murphy,Greyhound Joe and "Last Minute" Logue

Most pleasant smelling..."White Wash" Carson with his liberal use of his industrial strength "HORN" aftershave before matches

Best kept secret -  Eamon Logue: your episode with the treacle and jump leads is safe with me

Best and Biggest newcomer - Jim Hamilton

Best Captain's Speech - Joe Ferguson

Best Lover - Paul McVeigh  - not a squad member but a shining light to us all  - ( new tablets should be in soon Paul )

Most used right knee ( bowls )  - Marty Quinn

Most used right knee ( proposing marriage ) Marty Quinn

Best support - the thirty or so travelling club members who came ( twice ) to Ewarts for the semi final - really appreciated guys

Best "away" food - our old mates Cliftonville. Thanks for the freebie seven points lads - play as many ringers as you like next year but tell us first lads so that we can roll a couple of spliffs on the green and play left handed with blindfolds secure in the fact that the points are in the bag 

Apologies and indeed thanks to all those who let me lampoon them in this column over the season  -  except Frank Mitchell he deserved it - you all helped to make it. Watch out for my upcoming novel "Sex and Drugs and Midweek Bowls". I hope whoever takes it over next year enjoys it as much!!

And PS.... which squad member took his bride to be to Long's Fish and Chip Emporium and complained that two fresh Cod, tea and bread and butter cost £12. Competition is open to all except friends of Marty Quinn and Anne Murray ( didn't she used to be a Canadian singer - "Snowbird" or "Songbird" - some sandal wearning, tree hugging hippie crap like that )

PPS - you could have at least bought her some chips!!!

Paul Anthony has left the building!

Midweek Cup Report

We lost!

 

Mid week League.....Finding tabloid material for this column is somewhat akin to waiting for a number 47 bus - for ages there is nothing then suddenly there are three or four of them one after the other. This was the case up until Tuesday of this week when all I had to offer for you dear reader was yet another dig at Daniel "the Selector" Cregan who gleefully pointed out a missing apostrophe in last week's column then when tackled on the subject tried to pass it off on that sweet woman Mrs Stephen Smyth - a vile slur on her sainted  character. So there was I sat sitting in the club with my beloved,she decided not to return to Westmeath until today - what joy!  when the story of the week was passed to me by Mrs Niall Walshe. In casual conversation I pointed out that her hubby had missed a few turns on his way to the last few matches - a minor abberation I avowed. Not a bit of it! Apparently 'Sat Nav Walshe' is famous for this, having led a full convoy of family and friends on more than one occasion to places nowhere near the intended destination eg a nine hour round trip to the Cuan Restaraunt in Ardglass.

And so to the game.....another 6-1 victory to set us up for the rearranged semi final against Mossley. Short Mat Carson's link lost the plot whan the rains came down but recovered to win by a two shot margin. Greyhound Joe's rink inflicted a thrashing while Captain Fergie's rink also won by a respectable margin. In deteriorating condiitons, the Griffmeister's rink finally submitted to a late challenge by the opposition. Some other highlights from the evening - the aforesaid Cregan eating Carson's plums; Carson himself confessing to doing his first ever single handed white wash on that machine in the corner with "all the nobs and stuff"; Jim McCormack using a lighter to locate the jack in what the Scots affectionately call the "gloaming".

And to the final competition of the year - which member of the squad is affectionately known by the term " Perry Comover?". Another shiney pound coin of the realm awaits the first correct answer.

 

In the musical "My Fair Lady" Henry Higgins says of the Hungarian Ambassador at the Embassy Ball:"Oozing charm from every pore he oiled his way across the floor" . No better description could have befitted Daniel 'the Selector' Cregan at this weeks match as he chatted up everything in a skirt and yet again got the best of the sarnies and little fancies. This after having risen from a sick bed to help the team to a much needed 5-2 victory. He slipped into Gerry Carson's rink and helped them to an eventual comfortable victory. Captain Joe's rink also did the business but the Griffmeister's boys just missed out. It looked as if Greyhound Joe's boys were in for a thrashing but they pulled back to end up with a narrow two shot defeat. It was gratifying to see almost the whole of the rest of the squad watching this final rink in the gathering gloom - what team spirit, what cameraderie, what a pity they had nothing better to do as there was no bar in which to partake of modest recreational refreshments.

And to finish....it is well known that Marty Quinn delivers his bowls with one knee on the ground. What we want to know is ....is he practising to propose ( yet again) to his intended or when he proposes ( yet again ) is he in fact practising his bowls? Keep it up Marty - she has now said "Yes" more times than Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally

 

Midweek Cup Report

Despite the previous night's defeat, the Mideweek team left the Club in a somewhat cheerful mood to take on Mossley at Ewarts. The atmosphere in the host dressing room somewhat mirrored that in the Neucamp stadium dressing room before a Barca match and we were whipped up into a veritable frenzy with a flurry of medium to high  fives and shouts of "Youdda Man!". We trooped down to the pitch ( or is it green? ) and produced our bowls for a testicular like inspection by an important man who had so many medals on his chest he was permanently stooped over. This made the aforesaid inspection somewhat easier. When due bowls were given the all clear we made our way to the rinks under the watchful eye of an even more important man with even more medals. No sooner had we started than yet again the skies opened and we spent the next hour running back and forth between the green and the half erected summerhouse ( squeezed in here like Emperor Penguins on Baffin Island ) until the very important men after a series of very important phonecalls and much sote voce discussion decided that it would not be in our best interests to continue and the game was abandoned to be recommenced in two weeks time with yet another bowls inspection. The travelling support led by John Patterson were somewhat annoyed as they had already downed several pints and were settling down for a right few bevvies  having paid a local youth to run out every so often and check on the score. Watch this space for the continued game! And to keep you interested which Senior bowler keeps a measuring tape permanetly in his pants  even when he is not playing saying" You never know when you'll need it!". One shiney British pound to the one with the correct answer. Clue: he whipped it out at the Mixed Triples Final..................

 

How many wheels can come off a trolley? Yet again we slumped to a team whom we should have easily beaten given league position. Whether it is lack of skill, concentration,confidence in ourselves etc etc we were no match for Ballymena who drubbed us 6-1. Not a good omen for the upcoming semi final. Come on lads  - get the collective finger out and get back to winning ways!

 .................Cast your minds back to 1979 when a post pubescent Frank McClory was trying to understand the Russian Educational System under my tutelage in St. Joseph's College of Education. Having decided that perhaps teaching was not his calling, he purchased a well worn copy of "One hundred and One Things A Boy Should Know About Climatology" from a reputable second hand bookstore, changed his name to Frank Mitchell and went on to become UTV's standup comic/weatherman with the irritating habit of being "down your way" with his weather watching team - a threat to send townsfolk from Killyleagh to Kilkeel scurrying for the hills with bottles of whiskey and cyanide tablets - although it must be said he is prettier than Angie Phillips!Unfortunately his predictions about the elements are normally spot on and last night the skies parted at 8.27pm  precisely and the Gods of Bowling shed copious tears for the Midweek Team as they slumped to yet another defeat by a 6-1 margin to Magheradroll. Greyhound Joe's rink spared the blushes; Captain Fergie's rink looked all set for a thrashing being nineteen shots down at one stage but they clawed their way back to finish with a respectable margin of loss. Gerry' Carson's boys suffered at the hands of a  pimply youth skip who should have been drowned at birth for all the grief he caused with a combination of class shots and unbelievable wicks! The Griffmeister took his lads to the wire before going down by two shots.

The one uplifting part of the night was the presentation of the Tom Kennedy Perpetual Trophy for blagging the most free tea and sandwiches at away venues to Dan "the Selector" Cregan. Having travelled to run his eye over the squad, the only selecting he did was to seamlessly extract the best sandwiches and tarts from the trays while our boys were giving their all on the pitch ( or is it green? ) while at the same time chatting up the ladies who were providing the aforesaid  provender. At the end of the game, he sat outside with a look somewhere between orphan Annie and a hangdog until one of his birds brought him inside, kicked Captain Joe out of the road and proceeded to refeed him with sausage rolls, more sandwiches and tart. In between mouthfuls of ham and cheese he spluttered through the breadcrumbs that he wanted to join Magheradroll. Gerry Carsons remarks are not printable in this report.

 

Apologies to loyal followers of this page for the late posting. This was due to my computer being infected with a particularly nasty virus - that's last time I'll visit the "Good Housekeeping " site. Anyway.......I have also to apologise for the league report being second hand. This was due to the fact that I was not playing. Some may say it was because I was being rested for the Cup match, others may say that it was because my bowling prowess did not match my literary erudition in the last match. I know which one I believe! Anyway ( again ) we collected another six points which puts us right back in contention for the race to the title, helped by the fact that Dunbarton dispatched leaders Belmont the same night.

 And so to the cup. Division Two side Pickie Park were never really good enough to stop us and helped by a "seven" in one end in Gerry Carson's rink, we moved seamlessly into the semi finals to meet either Ballee or Mossley.

And remember lads, nail down your gear in the changing rooms or else Sean Grant will nab it - shirts, ties, blazers have all been found at some stage on his wirey frame. If it looks like his, he wears it!

One of Those Nights

Not a good night overall for the Midweek Team. Ulster Transport had been snapping at our heels all season and they finally caught up with a 6-1 thrashing at home. Only the Griffmeister's rink came good aided and abetted by Genial Gary McWilliams whose self confessed stonking performance appeared to be a major element in the soliary rink win. Captain Joe's rink met an opposition on another  purple patch and they never really recovered from a runaway lead after the first ten ends. Short Mat Carson's rink stormed in to a 10-0 early lead but a combination of loss of direction and the opposition hitting top form with some outstanding bowling meant that they too went down. Greyhound Joe's rink fell uncharacteristically silent as well as their nip and tuck battle ended in defeat

And so to today's rhetorical question. Whose beloved other half has sewn name tags into his bowling gear and painted L and R on his shoes after he left half his gear behind at Larne last week?

And a more answerable question - which lounge lizard was seen lurking around at the end of the tea dance last week in the hope of an introduction?

 

 Cup Extra   - Keeping her lit!

The away visit to Larne in the Cup looked easy on paper based on the recent record of Falls and the fact that the opposition are a second division team. After the first phase we were coasting, leading almost by thirty shots. However in the end due to a combination of Falls losing momentum and Larne moving up a gear an eleven shot advantage secured our place in the next round. 

Question which "Rookie" and ex Skip gorged themselves on sandwiches before and after the game necking the chicken Tikka quicker than Popeye downing his can of spinach?

Last night's visit to NICS saw another 6-1 victory - an excellent result given that our opponents were directly behind us in the League. There were a few hairy moments however. A look across the rinks after two ends saw that the normally reliable Greyhound Joe's lads were trailing by six shots. However, the whoops and hollers as the game progressed let the world know that the boys were back in town and they strolled to a comfortable victory. Captain Joe's rink went into its usual runaway lead but were pegged back by an opposing  purple patch in the last few ends. They held on to win by three shots. It has now been worked out why his rink works so well. When he bends down to deliver his bowls, his varifiocal lenses show a big and a wee jack. He bowls at the big one and if he misses, it hits the we one! Gerry Carson's rink were never behind except for the first end. However, at one point, it could have been iffy when having dropped four shots to lie equal and the opposition calling a short jack, Short Mat Carson used all his indoor skills to draw the final bowl of the end and the war was over. The Griffmeister's rink unfortunately met four guys on top form and were unable, unlike last week to secure the seven points.

Point to ponder - which squad member not only knows that there is a small library in the Ladies' changing room but also knows the titles of all the books. A crisp fiver passed to me will secure said name.

And remember Leads, if your Skip wants your advice - he'll give it to you!

............................................................................................................................................

 

Having had good league and  cup victories last week, the team eagerly awaited the arrival of Dunbarton -  for two reasons. Firstly because they gave us a hiding last year and with two defeats behind them already, we wanted revenge and  we felt we could hand out a third defeat to them. Secondly its not often we get a chance to play  a good Scottish League Second Division side who change one letter of their name to play as ringers in the PGL Midweek Division One! ( Your secret is safe with us lads - hope you get Celtic in the Cup !)

Anyway...to the game. All rinks started strongly and with  five ends to go, a six pointer was in sight with only the Griffmeister's rink behind. However, in a late flourish, Brendan's lane ( or is it rink, I never can tell )  attacked the cue ball ( or is it jack? ) and  with the last ball ( or is it bowl ?) did the business for a 7-0 victory to put us right on the tail of Belmont at the top of the league.

As usual we had an "Audience with Liam Laughran" in the Players Lounge after the game. This reporter was going to give it a miss, intending instead to sit with the Parkies and get to know them better as given his recent performances this year, he felt a move to them would be on the cards. However, a set of new bowls and five days practising with his partner ( new member in the Ladies Section - what joy, we can play together all the time now! - ) restored his former skills and he will live to fight another day. But I digress. Once again Liam dispensed advice to those who had played on his rink, to those on the adjoining rinks and to those who were on the bench but who were unfortunately not there to hear his bons mots  - that's French. What a treasure to have.

To end, readers of this column may notice TV cameras around in the next few days. It is not to record yet another victory but something more exciting. It is a well known fact that Joe McCollum races dogs but a lesser known fact that he named one of them "Backhand Butler" after our Hon Sec. Now you will be aware of the Celebrity TV programmes where stars leave their comfort zone to ballroom dance, dance on ice, move from pop star to opera star etc etc. It has not been passed by the bowling committee yet, but there are plans to have Pat B run out of trap four this Friday in the 400 meters at Ballyskeagh  and his namesake to play lead in rink four in our next home game - watch this space!

And remember Thirds  when asking your skip which is the dangerous bowl, do not be offended if he says " The one in your hand!"

.............................................................................................................................................

 

Scenario One:- The Manchester United Dressing Room where the talk is of BMWs, Holidays to Cancun, eight bedroom mansions, roulette wheels, Dom Perignon and how Big Brother's Imogen is earning a few bob by doing gigs all over the country.

Scenario Two:- The Falls Dressing Room at Ards BC where the talk is of support bandages, vitamin supplements, odour eaters, Deal or No Deal, wee runs in the car with a thermos and sandwiches.

I know which one I would choose. Anyway........Last night saw the return from the more experimental altitude training programme ( see last week's story )  of the Griffmeister. Unfortunately, his rink never really recovered from an 11-1 opening phase although they did pull back to within four shots before eventually going under. Gerry Carson's rink also eventually lost out after a nip and tuck encounter. It was left to the dynamic diminutive duo of wee Joe and weer Joe to do the business and secure five points to overtake Ards in the league .

One of Captain Joe's better initiatives this season has been to launch the post match tutored masterclass after the game in the comfort of the Players' Lounge. As usual Big Liam held court, dispensing advice to those present and about those not present. I sat in awe as I watched him present a  Turpenesque treatise to Martin Shortt on how to stand and deliver the bowl. Unfortunately I could not wait for the end of clinic as I was drawn home by the thought of a warm beer and a cold woman.

Which brings me seamlessly to the new competition started last Wednesday. Of whom was it said "Those who can  -  do, those who can't  - teach" ( Clue - I am not referring to the aforesaid Martin Shortt )

Advertising Feature: "Grippo - the bowler's friend and the sixth and less famous Marx Brother"

.......................................................................................................................

The story of the week is not the victory we had over Mossley but the eventual safe return of Marty Quinn from warm weather training in Spain. Marty's training camp was only 50 miles from the recent earthquake. Our immediate thoughts on hearing the news of the quake were to phone the Irish Consulate to ascertain if our Marty was safe ( or perhaps not ). Praise be ( or perhaps not ) he had been in the middle of a post match recreational refreshment, a rub down and a minor localised earth movement of his own when it all happened. However, it was noticed that on return he was whiter than Michael Jackson after one of his treatments, but a super injunction placed on this reporter prevents me from telling you the reason why. Anyway....on to the game. Mossley arived undefeated and left with their first downturn of the season after our lads hit peak form taking six points and unlucky not to get the full quota.

This weeks competition ( new feature ). Guess who said to his team captain when starting his delivery to an almost indecently exposed jack. " Show me where jack high is Mucker!" Competition is open to all Club members except those on Gerry Carson rink and their families

Writen for and behalf of Captain Joe Ferguson and with full consent of Marty Quinn

 

Relief or orographic rain is formed when air is forced to cool when it rises over relief features in the landscape such as hills or mountains. As it rises it cools, condenses and forms rain. The highest rainfall totals of over 1,600 mm per year occur in the mountain areas along the west coast but sporadic amounts can fall, particularly on a Wednesday evening, over bowling greens in the shadow of Black and Divis Mountains which are in fact not mountains but part of the basaltic Antrim Plateau. It is not to be confused with convectional rain which is formed by an entirely different process altogether. This explanation should silence those team members who ask why it always rains during Midweek games in bowling greens in the north and west of the city. It is also an example of column filling which reporters use when  there is little news to report, and I'm afraid Wednesday's  fixture with our old mates Cliftonville left little to report. Played in the shadow of Solitude where the flood lights were on full power with no sound from the terraces, led this reporter to believe that there was also an Irish League fixture in full swing next door. I hope the visiting team did better than we did  as once again, we were on the receiving end of a 6-1 defeat with only Joe McCollum's rink saving us from a whitewash. I am aware that the webmaster does not normally like individuals to be named but Jim McCormack by all accounts played a blinder. He said so himself so it must be true. In addition to being congratulated on their win, Cliftonville must also be congratulated on the tapas like supper offered to the athletes at the end of the game. A veritable cornucopia of sandwiches, sausage rolls, sausages, goujons and tortillla chips ( with dip ) awaited the teams after the post match beverage. This was followed by witty banter between the two captains who once again quoted liberally from the team captains' bible " How to make your post match speech different "

What Joy!

 

Addendum:- After a rule infirngement, Falls were awarded the match points

Written for and behalf of Team Captain Joe Ferguson

 

 

 

There are some reassuring things associated with the transition from Spring into Summer - the slightly longer nights, the smell of the barbecue wafting in on warm breezes from the garden next door, the call of the Griffmeister as he encourages his stalwarts to " Play it again Sam". Unfortunately, only the latter was in the air  in the second Midweek match of the season. A grey evening, a breeze with a bite and the constant threat of the default Wednesday night rain welcomed the visitors, Belmont, to the club. They brimmed with confidence after an opening six point victory away to Knock in their opening game and preceeded to replicate that with a similar scoreline, only Captain Ferguson's rink claiming a healthy victory which was unfortunately not enough to claim the overall as they did last week. One has to applaud the great man's vision. Like his namesake, Sir Alex Ferguson, he directs his squad with seamless ease and he has to be commended for his new "warm weather training policy" which this week saw M. Quinn dispatched to Balamdena in Spain to be followed in a few weeks by N.Quinn and A. Browne. Our next game is away to our old friends Cliftonville where five or six points would put us back on track again.

 

Written for and behalf of Captain Joe Ferguson

 

Northern Ireland Private Greens League

 

PGL Mid-week  Division 1

 

 

Date				Score	Points	Total
4 May	Away	V	Ewarts	2-5	5	5
11 May	Home	V	Belmont	1-6	1	6
18 May	Away	V	Cliftonville	0-7	7	13
25 May	Home	V	Mossley	6-1	6	19
1 June	Away	V	Ards	2-5	5	24
8 June	Home	V	Dunbarton	7-0	7	31
15 June	Away	V	NICS	6-1	6	37
22 June	Home	V	U.Transport	1-6	1	38
29 June	Away	V	Forth River	1-6	6	44
6 July	Home	V	Shortts	2-5	2
27 July	Away	V	Magheradroll	6-1	1
3 Aug	Home	V	Ballymena Park	1-6	1
10 Aug	Away	V	Knock
17 Aug	Home	V	Willowfield
24 Aug	Home	V	Pickie